


Typical

by Goldy, mrv3000



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-21
Updated: 2010-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-19 18:36:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldy/pseuds/Goldy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrv3000/pseuds/mrv3000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Engagements, alien treaties, and slime.  Typical, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Typical

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to beck_liz for betaing!

Rose's shoes squished as she let herself into the flat. She was completely soaked, had no idea where the Doctor was, and had the feeling she just got engaged.

She tossed her handbag onto the floor next to the door and then wrung out her hair with one hand. She slowly gazed around the flat, noting an abandoned pile of wires in the corner and a plate dotted with crumbs sitting on the kitchen table.

She squelched over to the table and pulled out a chair, sitting down with a heavy sigh. She propped her head up on her hands, nibbling on her bottom lip.

It was times like this that she wished she had Shareen in this world or at least some close girlfriends she could ring up: "' _Lo, Shareen. Glad you're doing well. Listen, you know how I've got that job protecting Earth from aliens? Yeah, we struck a peace deal today with an alien civilization. Brilliant, right? Problem was, they didn't exactly speak English. We didn't realize 'till later, but I think I might have ended up engaged to one of them. A really hairy and large bloke, too, about seven feet tall. You don't think the Doctor will be upset, do you? No, I haven't told him yet. Oh, I'm sure he'll be happy to be in the wedding party._ "

Rose's head thunked down on the table as the imaginary conversation finished in her head. She supposed she could always try her mum...

She groaned and then buried her head in her arms. Yeah, she was thinking this was about the _last_ thing she wanted to talk to her mum about.

"ROSE?" The door to the flat burst open with the sound of the Doctor's voice. "Are you here? You're never going to believe this!"

Trainers thumped around the corner to where she was dripping.

"There you are! Guess what? I just listened in on an alien conversation! I know, I know. Eavesdropping, right? Well there weren't any eaves and it's not like they were on a secured channel. They're on Earth! And they're going to throw a huge party to celebrate a wedding! Isn't that brilliant?"

Rose groaned.

"Must have been taking a tour of the galaxy and liked the look of things here. Not that I blame them. Hold on. You're wet. Why are you wet?"

Rose stared vaguely at the toaster he was carrying under his arm. Well, former toaster by the looks of it. "You're sure? The bit about the wedding, I mean. No chance you heard wrong?"

"Me? Hear wrong?" The Doctor scoffed. "Not possible. Besides, they went on for quite awhile about floral arrangements. Very particular about flowers, this lot. Anyway, I still can't help notice that you're wet. And the carpet is getting wet. Not that I really care about the carpet other than it will be squishy to walk on, and not the good kind of squishy."

Rose grunted.

"All right, too soon to talk about the wet." He scratched his chin. "I know what'll cheer you up! How about we crash this wedding? I'm _pretty_ sure they're Yullans - sound like Yullans at any rate - which means they'll have great food."

Rose sighed and stood up. "Um," she began delicately, "about that. I dunno if crashing the wedding is really the best idea."

The Doctor looked slightly disappointed. "They are a bit on the hairy side, Yullans, I'll grant you, but listen, Rose, there are many different standards of beauty out there in the universe, and I have it on good authority that if you pull back enough hair, they even look like real--"

"It's me!" she interrupted loudly. "I'm getting married to one of them, all right?"

The Doctor's eyes widened, mouth falling open. "What?" he asked. "You're getting... _what_?"

"Everyone was just... talking so quickly," she said, shoulders slumping. "And then they got all excited about something and we thought, yeah, this is a good sign--we don't really want them burning all of London to the ground--and then they started thumping us all on the back and one of them hugged me and then came some sort of celebratory drenching--"

"One of them _hugged_ you?"

"--and we didn't even realize what happened until after the deal was done when the translator finally started spitting out the treaty."

Rose hadn't seen the Doctor look this horrified since the afternoon Jackie insisted they come over for brunch every Sunday.

"Rose," he croaked, "you can't marry a Yullan."

"It's not like it was my idea!"

The Doctor's eyebrows drew together, making him look pinched and worried. "Do you have any idea how far away the Yullan's galaxy is?"

"Really far?"

" _Really_ far," he said. "We're talking millions of light years. And... and... and anyway!" he said, voice rising to something that resembled a squeak. "You can't marry a Yullan because you and me, we... we're..." he waved a hand at her up and down, "you _know_."

"I KNOW!" Rose burst out. "It's not exactly on my list of priorities, yeah?"

"And the _hair_ , Rose, think about the hair!"

"You said they were normal underneath the--"

"Yeah, well, I didn't know that you had agreed to _marry_ one."

"I didn't _agree_. I--look, this isn't helping!" said Rose. She fixed him with a look. "We've just... we've got to think this through. First, we can't let London get destroyed. And secondly, I can't marry him. Right?"

" _Right_ ," the Doctor said, nodding vigorously.

"So we've just... we've got to figure something out."

They stared at each other for a long moment.

Finally, the Doctor's eyes lit up. "ROSE!" He tossed the toaster over his shoulder. " _We_ get married first!"

Whatever Rose had been expecting, it wasn't that. "NO."

He stared at her, stunned.

"It's not that..." Rose quickly added. "...that... I love you, you know that, right? It's just I'm _not_ getting married to you just so I can get out of an alien mixup. Sorry, no. That's a horrible reason to get married."

"But what if there wasn't this mixup? Would you then?"

"Well...yeah." Rose smiled at him in spite of her mood and he grinned back. "I mean, why wouldn't I?"

"There you go! See, I'd been meaning for us to get married, but it's slipped my mind all this time! I was going to suggest it just last week, but then we started making cake and you know how that goes."

"Mmm hmm. You're honestly telling me you've been thinking about this all along?"

The Doctor fidgeted. "Yes!" he said after a telling pause.

"That's what I thought." Rose couldn't help rolling her eyes. "Right. I'm wet, I'm cold, and I need a shower. I'm gonna go pretend I'm not engaged for the next fifteen minutes."

As she headed to the bathroom she could hear the Doctor start talking to himself, and knew without looking that he'd begun to pace and pull on his hair.

The shower felt blissfully warm and Rose decided that fifteen minutes might stretch into longer.

"We're already married, you know."

Rose jumped as the Doctor's face suddenly poked through the curtain.

"You scared me half to death." She splashed a handful of water at him. He grinned. "What do you mean we're already married?"

"Remember that berry festival we went to? The one we went to, ooh, before I regenerated even. Loads of berries? Lots of flags? Blue plants?"

She stared at him suspiciously. "Shut up. It's not possible we're married."

"Yeah, we are!" said the Doctor proudly.

"You can't be serious."

He was still grinning. Rose groaned at the possibility he was telling the truth, and pushed him out of the shower before turning the water off. When she pulled back the curtain, the Doctor quickly enveloped her in a big towel before pulling her in for a hug.

"Mmff," said Rose. And then, "Mmm." She yawned against his shoulder and then shook herself. "No, no--" she thumped at his chest and pulled away. "You're not changing this subject with warm towels and hugs. We got married and you never told me?"

"Well," said the Doctor after a pause, "it wasn't exactly what one would term a 'legally binding union,' Rose. Besides, what was I supposed to say? 'Rise and shine, sleepy head! I know you've passed out from too much raspberry wine which made you dribble on my shoulder in front of the whole village, but turns out this qualifies as a marriage ceremony! So how does 'Mrs Doctor' strike your fancy?'"

"I dribbled on your shoulder?"

"Oh, yes."

Rose flushed in embarrassment. "Sorry."

"And you were... you know..." he did that waving thing at her again, "and I was..."

"Oh," Rose said in understanding, "we weren't ready yet."

The Doctor nodded. " _Yes_! Exactly! But now..." He trailed off, eyes soft and hopeful, and she could see, a little bit worried.

She felt herself softening to the idea, but resisted. "Now it's still a lousy reason to get married."

If he could have drooped his ears, the puppy-dog look would have been complete.

"I don't know," he countered. "Love seems like the best reason."

The Doctor laced his fingers through hers and Rose's heart skipped a beat. It _was_ love: always had been, always would be.

"Okay, yeah." Rose suddenly found her voice catching. "Let's do it, then. Let's get married."

Neither of them reacted right away -- it was as if they were both momentarily stunned that she'd actually agreed. Then they were moving forward at the same time, and the Doctor swept her up in a hug, lifting her off the ground.

"Married," he said. "Brilliant."

Rose grinned into his shoulder. "Yeah."

****

They pushed the door open to Conference Room 3, and Rose made an effort to school her face into a neutral expression. Problem was, she couldn't seem to stop smiling. She felt like she was floating a million miles above Earth. She chanced a glance at the Doctor, and the happy jaunt to his step told her he was feeling similarly. At her look, he returned her smile and squeezed her hand.

Chatter in the conference room died down as soon as they entered. On one side were the Yullans, on the other, a mix of Torchwood scientists and personnel, all of them holding clipboards and mini translation devices.

Rose bit her lip, trying and failing to wipe the smile off her face. Reluctantly, she released the Doctor’s hand, reminding herself that they had work to do. Besides, they’d have plenty of time to celebrate later. When they were alone. It didn’t matter how much she wanted to drag him off to her office and lock the door and spend a few hours--

"Rose!" She started at Pete's voice and tried not to blush. "Thank god you're here." He rushed to her side, fiddling with his collar and looking harried. "Our visitors have been getting antsy."

Rose looked over at the Yullans, and they stared back at her, beady eyes peering out from underneath a huge mop of hair. She took a deep breath. "Listen, Dad -- I can’t marry one of them."

"Well obviously not," Pete said shortly. "You'll just have to explain the situation and--"

"'Cos the Doctor and I are married," Rose interrupted, completely unable to hide her silly grin again. "We went out -- just now. Look." She held up her hand, where a simple, silver band sat around her finger. "So I _can't_ marry somebody else."

Pete stared back at her in astonishment. "You did what?"

"We got married," Rose repeated, frowning at the expression on his face. "What? What's wrong?"

Instead of replying, Pete turned around and headed over to the group of Yullans. They had a short and hissed conversation, and then Pete pinched the bridge of his nose, somehow looking even _more_ on edge than he had before.

"Great," he called over at Rose. "Now he thinks you've rejected him."

"What? That's crazy! Well...I have, but tell him that the Doctor and I have been together for ages!"

Pete sighed and turned back to the Yullans, repeating Rose's words into the translator. Immediately, the middle Yullan reared back, and then brought up one huge fist, pounding it down on the table. Pete, the rest of the Torchwood scientists, and the Doctor and Rose all jumped back.

"I'm going to guess he didn't take that well," Rose called.

"Not as such, no," said Pete, backing up until he and the rest of Torchwood were huddled near the doorway with the Doctor and Rose.

The Yullans stayed on the other side of the table, the middle one still pounding his fist. He roared something unintelligible at them and the rest of the Yullans all crooned in agreement.

The Doctor muttered something under his breath and then grabbed Rose's hand, placing himself between her and the Yullans. He said something to the Yullans in their language, his voice somehow eerie speaking their alien language. The Torchwood scientists all watched their translators, some of the scientists shaking the translators in frustration as they failed to keep up with the fast-moving dialogue.

The Yullans pounded at the table and then the Doctor strode over and pounded at the table in response. Sometimes the pounding was in unison. The odd symphony of gibberish and pounding lasted for about five minutes until the Yullans suddenly stopped their pounding and straightened, each of them heading towards the door and filing out one by one. The last one barked something at the Doctor, and then marched out after the rest of them.

"Doctor?" Rose asked as the last of all that hair disappeared. "What did they say?"

"Well," said the Doctor slowly, "they essentially threatened to burn London to the ground and then take you back to their planet as a concubine. And there were a few graphic descriptions of what they wanted to do to me, which, frankly, could have been slightly more imaginative. So we've got one hour to live, etcetera, etcetera. Like I said, not very imaginative."

Pete held his head in his hands. "We had a peace treaty drawn up."

"Sorry, Dad. It seemed like a good plan at the time," Rose said with a wince. "So, we can stop them, yeah?"

The Doctor waved a hand, "Should be simple enough. They're Yullans, after all." He paused. "They do make some very nice wedding cakes, though." He frowned. "We should really get a wedding cake, Rose. Not now, of course. But... later."

"Doctor!" Pete cut in. "Stopping them??"

"Yes! Sorry!" he said. "Salt! Hate the stuff. Should work like a charm. If we're lucky, we might not even have to kill anyone."

Pete heaved a sigh and gestured at the scientists. "You heard the man. I want a salt hose ready in 45 minutes. No, make that 35."

There was a general murmur of "Yes, sir!" and then harried scientists gathered up their clipboards and fled out the door.

Pete turned his gaze on the Doctor and Rose, looking torn between amusement and irritation. "I suppose a congratulations is in order," he finally said. "Just... do us a favour and don't tell your mother you got married without her being there?"

"Oh, right, Jackie," said the Doctor, scratching the back of his neck. "I forgot about her. And honestly, who wants to be thinking of their mother-in-law on their wedding night--"

Rose elbowed him in the side, ignoring his responding _oomf_. "We won't breathe a word."

Pete nodded in a dazed sort of way and then filed out the door after the scientists. Finally alone, Rose turned to the Doctor, idly fiddling with her wedding ring.

"Congratulations to us," she murmured. "I suppose that it would be too much to ask for things to be _quiet_ for a few hours after getting married."

The Doctor looked distracted like he was contemplating something complicated and hugely important. "Do you know," he said slowly, "I think the Yullans make a thirty-layer cake. That's... that is genius."

Rose stared at him, visions of staging a cake heist swirling in her head. "Doctor--"

He held up his fingers and started ticking them off. "Strawberry, banana, peach, lime, lemon - urgh, lemon; no, never mind that - chocolate, coffee--"

"DOCTOR!" Rose cut in.

He blinked at her, "What?"

Thunder clapped loudly, echoing through the building. They exchanged a worried look and then rushed to the window in time to both see and hear an enormous green blob squelch down on London. It covered the buildings, oozing down the windows. Pedestrians below seemed dazed as it dripped from their bodies, and cars skidded in the green goop.

"Oh, come on! That wasn't an hour! They cheated!" The Doctor scratched his head. "But at least they didn't _burn_ London. My Yullan is a bit rusty. Burn London to the ground... Slime London to the ground... Close enough. Looks like some of their lime filling. They're famous for it."

"Right, so lime filling instead of flames of death. And the bit about taking me back as a concubine?"

The Doctor scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Maybe it was 'pastry chef' instead of 'concubine.' In Yullan it's practically the same thing. Either way I'm _very_ good at teleports and I'm even _better_ at teleport barriers, and there's no way they're getting through this." He held up Rose's hand and twisted her ring. "Insurance," the Doctor said with a grin.

Rose stared at her ring. "What? When did you--?"

"Ooh, you know I think I can _smell_ the lime! We'd better go out there! To, erm, help out and all."

"Help out. Right." Rose did her best to hide her smile. "Why do I think licking is going to be involved?"

"Well," the Doctor said waggling his eyebrows and wrapping his arms around her, "it _is_ our wedding day."

Her own arms happily found their way around him. "Alien invasions, an insane amount of green slime and wedding rings that are...something else. Yeah, sounds about right," she said with a grin. And Rose Tyler kissed her husband.


End file.
